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PrintDEAR CAT: Sometimes I feel like everyone uses me as a therapist. I feel like I should charge my friends a fee for hearing all their problems all the time. I've been doing this at least since college. All I do is listen to these people who think the world's going to end because they're single, and I think, "What is your problem? Things could be worse!" I've had a lot happen in my life, and these "friends" were never there for me. I finally rebelled by ignoring them. My problem is caring too much, and I feel bad for ignoring them or saying "tough luck." But I can't help it, I'm just too fed up dealing with other people's problems when I've dealt with my own problems alone. Your call? -- THE DR. IS OUT
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
34 Blvd. of the Allies
Pittsburgh, Pa. 15222
DEAR DOC: Your problem isn't about caring too much, it's about having the wrong friends. I'm sure your life has been hard. Everyone's life is hard, at least sometimes. If your "friends" are too selfish to support you, you're wasting your time with them. Likewise, if you view their problems (singleness, loneliness, etc.) as unimportant, your "therapy" isn't helpful. Do remember there will always be topics that don't bother you but deeply trouble others. The key is to be patient, lend support when needed and pull back when appropriate. Over time you'll learn the difference. In the meantime, don't abruptly end all your friendships.
CAT'S CALL: Use that rebelliousness to find new ones.
DEAR CAT: I've been dating a man for almost two years. We are both divorced, in our late 30s, and each of us has two children. He and I get along great, but when we bring our kids into the picture there is tension between us (plus his children irritate me and vice versa). His kids are older and live with their mother, so if marriage is in our future they would probably never live with us. But my children would, and I can't see it being a peaceful situation. I am happy in the relationship for the most part, so do I continue seeing him even though I know what difficulties the future will bring? I would hate to lose someone I love over "what if." -- POSSIBLE STEPMOM
DEAR P.S.: It's impossible to know what the future will bring. That's frustrating, but it can also be exciting. You assume to already know exactly what will happen, but there might be few problems. Right now there is tension with his kids; you're just a girlfriend with her own children, not their father's wife and their loving stepmother. The best antidote to tension? A stable, warm, loving home. By showing irritation you're creating the opposite environment. Remember, if you get married it will be your and your husband's responsibility to set the tone in the home. After two years together, you're happy "for the most part"? That's a red flag. Do you want to marry this man? If yes, have a serious conversation about your future, your fears and what kind of stepparents you'll be. If no ...
CAT'S CALL: You've answered your own question.
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